Undoubtedly the biggest joy of my life has been getting email, so I can properly connect with all of the truly important people. I mean, people who can provide me with a much better way of life. People who can take my world, triple my income and make doggone sure that I am happy for all of my days. People who can provide me with important stuff I could never afford to do without.
That said, here are a few messages of response to various emailers who have graced my inbox unfailingly, most of them coming at me in waves, all of them finding their way to my monitor on a daily basis.
To Frank Finn, trainer extraordinaire: I are already a good talker, so you may cease and desist with the pleas to provide me with your excellent material on how to manage difficult situations and master tricky conversation. Besides, if you’d ask anyone I have ever talked to, they would tell you in so many words that I already have mastered the art of talking tricky. Most people can’t understand me the way it is.
To Genie Bra: Thank you for considering me over and over again, and I appreciate your incredible buy one, get one offers on your fine product. I realize that your seamless microfiber pullover, ribbed band for comfort and support, wide shoulder strapped bra with absolutely no wires or hooks is indeed quite soft and provides full coverage lift cups. I’m positive that they are a precursor to total ecstasy.
However, at this time of my life, I think I am going to stay with the highly-effective Cosmo Kramer Mansierre, and Maurice Moss’ AbracadaBra, so I will not be utilizing your Genie Bras, no matter how incredibly plush and uplifting they are.
To Joanna.Fine: I understand that the Federal Reserve is forcing rates down to record lows, and refinancing at 2.62 percent is a must for any quasi-intelligent person. However, since I am a complete idiot, I will not be taking full advantage of your awesome services for a free quote.
To PurebiotixHCG: I admire my fat cells far too much to get rid of them, so I am going to pass on your wonder drug which has helped millions slim down to their fantasy size. Please feel free to pass my portion along to some other full-bodied, big-boned human.
To Victoria’s Secret: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for selecting me for one of your valued gift cards. I appreciate the thought, as I am generally never fortunate enough to be selected for anything. However, I only wear Hanes, and besides, I think I look fat in your products.
To Cantebury: “What the... I’ve been nominated to be entered into the Who’s Who of Successful Business Professionals. Wow, awesome! I’d like to thank my publicist, my parents, my business manager, my... wait a minute, what do you need my credit card for again?
To Paula, Greg, Carl, Dave, Judy, Mark, Penelope, Greta, Robert and Helena: You guys should get together with Joanna.Fine, seeing as how you are all sending me identical copy day after day. Do you know each other on a first name basis, as your emails might suggest? You could save both yourself and myself loads of time if you simply got your heads together and let me into your merry band of first-name-basis club.
To Mark_Peter: Oh, my dearest Mark_Peter. For months now you have been a favorite, sending me emails like a forlorn stalker who has been jilted once too often by the love of his life. My life without you, my dearest Mark_Peter, would never be the same. I dread the day when I open my emails in the morning and your adorable name is not plastered throughout my 294 new messages at least seven times. That is a day I will fear and loath for the rest of my life. Just one quick tip for you Mark_Peter: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS to capture my love. You had my heart with “Lower your monthly mortgage ratings.”
To Best Cigar Deals: Smoke like a gentleman? Really? Are there other options, such as smoking like a he-man? Smoking like a fisherman? Smoking like George Burns? Perhaps Castro? How about smoking like an obnoxious lout? Alas, while your hand-rolled cigars and hand-painted humidors sound enticing, I am incredibly allergic to smoke, so I am going to have to pass.
To Airline_Tickets: If you are for real, and everyone else in the world is getting the same identical offer of two free tickets that I am getting over and over, it is a wonder that Southwest Airlines is making a plug nickel, considering everyone should be flying for absolutely free at this point.
To Delivery Confirmation: I think I will pass on providing you with my valuable and vital personal information in order to receive a $1,000 Walmart gift card. If I want a Walmart gift card, I will simply go to one of the 74,321 Walmarts within easy driving distance of my home to purchase one.
To Jessica.Brill: Are you a sister to Joanna.Fine?
To Fast Cash: Is that money hand-delivered by Usain Bolt?
To Great Care: What is up with your opening phrase, “Do you or your spouse have a loved one that needs to be taken care of?” Is that some kind of hitman-speak for “Do you want to have your great uncle or neighbor done away with?” You know, “We can make them disappear.” And when you say there are many options available, does that elude to the many various ways you can dispose of the body? I gotta tell you Great Care, you’re starting to scare me a little bit.
To Mature Dating: When you say, “50+ Singles - meet someone special today” are you referring to meeting someone special out of a group of more than 50 people, or meeting someone special from a list of people who are older than 50? Either way, your “Click Here” button will remain sagely untapped from my computer screen... Sorry.
To MyLife Profile Alert: Please tell Vernita that the relative she located after a 17 year hiatus may have had a good reason for not wanting to speak to her for nearly two decades. As for my latest search results, I figure if I don’t already have my relatives and long-lost friends’ names, addresses, emails, phone numbers, Facebook IDs or some way of getting their attention when I need to see them, I probably don’t really need to contact them all that badly.
To PC MallGov: You don’t have any idea how excited I am that you have once-and-for-all clearly defined this myth that is cloud computing. Not only have you defined it, you have demystified it. Unfortunately for you, our IT guys here at work are all over that particular issue, and they showed cloud computing the door several months ago, so your services are not needed.
To Essential Business Training: Thanks for taking the time to provide for me seven essential things you never want to say to customers. However, I figure I have that one in hand. My guess is that lines like, “Hey, that hairstyle was great back in the ‘80s,” and “Is that pig anus I smell on your breath?” rank high on the list. Of course, classics like, “Our rival down the road does this better than us for cheaper,” and “Wow, you truly aren’t smarter than a fifth grader, are you?” also rank high. But hey, thanks for the idea. I think maybe I’ll start my own line of seven things...
To Paula.Mary: So, your lenders are standing by with $1,500 in cash to loan me in mere hours, and four out of five loans are approved, huh? Are those loans approved by the same four out of five dentists who approve chewing Dentyne?
To Muhjid Muhamed, Crystal Wentworth, Brady Leadington, Tricia Portler, Bruce Talland, Thammir Mansour, and Raji Velli, et al: Thank you for wanting to befriend me on Facebook. However, had you been paying attention, you would have realized that I am not even on Facebook. Obviously since you didn’t notice that minor fact, you are clearly not my friends, so I am going to have to continue to decline your request to become one.
To Perfect Meatloaf: Like the tooth fairy, Big Foot, easy-to-put-together bicycle instructions and talking garden gnomes, there is no such thing as perfect meatloaf, so back off on your non-stick pan jargon Mr. Meatloaf Man.
To Gabriella Astrology: I already know my future. I can successfully read my own future, thanks. How’s this: “It’s hazy, but it’s coming to me... yes, yes, I can see in my future that I will be clicking beside your email message, scrolling down the monitor and right-clicking on my Junk Mail folder...”
To Vindale Research: Isn’t that the company George Costanza made up on Seinfeld?
To Prince Achmel Jasu of Dogistan: The next time you want to send me $6.2 million of inherited money, try to at least spell my name correctly!
To Aluma Wallet: Nothing says total class like an aluminum wallet. Boy, I can’t tell you how often we sit around the office making statements like, “Wow, if I only had an aluminum wallet my life would be complete.” Both sleek and waterproof, it protects against ID theft, and any pick pocket would have to think twice before lifting that beauty from anyone’s pants pocket. Best of all, when it finally does wear out... recyclable! Bingo, the daily double of wallets. Where do I sign up, because I can’t think of anything more enticing than sitting all day long on a large block of aluminum in my back pocket. Man, that sounds like heaven in an aluminum box for sure.
And finally, to my BFF John Cumata: Cumata has apparently cornered the market on every product ever made. Cialis... check. Viagra... check. Toilet products... check. Coffee, wine, cigars... check, check, check. Phones... check. Cumata is able to help me build a business, stay on top of my love life, pay off my house in five years, earn a double degree and chop onions without shedding a tear, all while becoming the newest owner of eBay! I’ll bet John Cumata can cure the everyday cold, whip Chuck Norris in hand-to-hand combat while wielding only a baby pacifier and solve the world’s energy crisis, all while never spilling a drop of his cognac on his tailor-made, $100,000 Alexander Amosu suit. I must be a complete idiot not to want to join company with this guy.
So, all I can say is, thanks one and all for making my daily email adventures such a treat. After all, what fun would life be if reading our emails just consisted of boring, meaningful work stuff and messages from people we actually know and like?
Published: September 21, 2011